Back to school...

As a new school term and year looms, we are once again faced with the normal problems that beset every parent. Does the uniform still fit? Have they got all the school equipment they need? Then we all face the trauma; the apprehension as the unknown approaches the child. New teachers, new subjects, new classmates, will friends have changed over this extended holiday?

Like all parents, we have to deal with these problems. Unlike other parents, we have to face another problem and so does our daughter: being a lesbian couple with a daughter. The following article sets out the issues faced by many Back to School in the Gay Household.

We knew that many of these problems would arise, so we met with the headmaster when our daughter started in the school and advised him of the situation but the school were not prepared. I provided some information that was circulated to the teachers so that they knew what the situation was and how best to support our daughter. Since they have never had openly lesbian parents for one of their children, they had never thought about many of the implications.

Now preparing the school and preparing our daughter were critical in making her school life work. She is a very poplar girl, with lots of friends. Children talk about parents and our daughter had the strength and ability to tell her friends that she has two mummies. Some of her friends even think it is really ‘cool’.
Of course, I would be lying if I pretended that there were no problems: getting the school records right took a few attempts, but they got there in the end. We are lucky in the UK in that adoption by the non-biological mother has been allowed for some time and the new law means that both partners in a Civil Partnership can be named as parents on the child’s birth certificate now: it is a pity that option is only recent as it would have saved many heartaches in getting adoptions sorted. It did mean that the school had to acknowledge both of us as parents.

Then there are words: ‘lesbians are disgusting’ was one thing said to our daughter. Another that she hears too frequently are phrases like ‘that is so gay’ or ‘don’t be so gay’. The word ‘gay’ being used as a derogatory word, particularly against boys. Even seeing two of the girls hugging brings shouts of ‘lesbians’.
But the worst problem of all started with a word our daughter used when talking to some of her friends. Another child overheard this word, a word that was so dreadful, so very unacceptable, that the child, at 9 years old, had no idea what this word meant. And the word? The dreaded ‘L’ word. Yes, our daughter caused a storm by referring to her parents as lesbians.

There is much to do. Schools do not have the resources nor the knowledge to address the issues of children from lesbian and gay households, nor from single parent households. In these days of much greater family variance, it is really important that these needs are addressed.